Why in the world am I always looking for an excuse to avoid the tasks that are asked of me? I always go through life as if I can get away with everything without trying. Without giving a fuck yet it should not be like this. If I want the grades then I need to learn to work. To work hard. I need ambition and to not slack or procrastinate yet for now all I do is search for the distraction. The one fix to ignore the world and all of its demanding challenges. Fuck this shit can no longer be my motto. I need to face life. Face responsibility and not always fucking run to that false reality that is so easy to reach. Life is not supposed to be easy. How in the world did I get like this and why can’t I change my lifestyle to be more productive?
Someone in Quaker meeting talks about greed and aggression
and I think of the way I lay the massive
weight of my body down on you
like a tiger lying down in gluttony and pleasure on the
elegant heavy body of the eland it eats,
the spiral horn pointing to the sky like heaven.
I’m the type of girl who hates interruptions. l need to be heard more than anything. even when what i say doesn’t make sense. I value honesty above everything. I am such the Romantic that any type of passion makes me motivated to change the world. The sad thing is is that i am also the type of girl who doesn’t know what she wants, and is too afraid to admit it. Honestly, I feel like i let anything get in the way of going after my own dreams. I have empathy, passion and motivation but the biggest obstacle is myself. The incapacity to change is the incapacity to reach one’s full potential.
Today is one of those days where the word homework isn’t appealing, where grades don’t matter. A day to spend two hours in the cafeteria eating and spending the day watching kid cartoons. This may seem like running away from responsibility but really its a quest for peace. A peace from the hectic week and stress of figuring out where i want to be and who i want to become.